OPINION: National newspaper's glowing report of Saltcoats

But just how accurate is it? Our reporter Murray Grayston has offered his opinion on the piece...

Having lived in Saltcoats all my life, I do enjoy hearing some outside opinions on our town.

I was particularly interested in a feature, which came to my attention recently, which appeared online in the Express newspaper - a national title which covers the whole of the UK.

Before I break it down, it can be found in full at express.co.uk//news/uk/1882500/seaside-town-cheap-Saltcoats - so you can have a look for yourself.

Titled 'The tiny UK seaside town known for its friendly locals where homes are priced from £28k', I think you can see why it grabbed my attention.

Before I break down its content a bit further, a quick disclaimer that what you're about to read should be taken in good humour - after all, if we can't poke fun at where we live, who can?

And of course, do not take this as me "having a go" at the author - it's all a good laugh, after all...

I would start with the headline - but we'll get into that one a bit later when it comes up in the actual article.

Instead I'll look at the introduction, which within the first four words describes Saltcoats as a "pretty little enclave".

Ah yes, of course. When I meet people from elsewhere and get asked the usual "where are you from?" question, I quite often tell them that I call "the pretty little enclave of Saltcoats" my home. Maybe it does sound better than "not far from Glasgow" though.

I mean, I don't want to get too picky on word choice, but come on.

We are also told that Saltcoats "really packs a punch with stunning views, its gorgeous harbour, and fun festivals".

To be fair, I'll give that one a good 50 per cent for accuracy.

Credit where it's due: we are treated to some pretty spectacular views here, something we often take for granted.

As for the harbour? I mean, it's okay. It certainly has potential, but perhaps "gorgeous" is a bit of a stretch.

Then the festivals. Locals would of course assume they are meaning events such as the Sea Queen, or some of the fantastic volunteer-run organisations who put events on, and that the wording is just clumsy. Well, it's not, and it's another point I will come back to later.

Paragraph two goes on to say:

"With breathtaking beaches, charming streets, and a close-knit community this little seaside town sounds like an idyllic place to call home."

This is accurate, to be fair. When you describe Saltcoats like that, it DOES sound incredibly idyllic.

The question to ask here is, of course, 'is this really accurate?'. 

To be fair on our wee toon, we are reasonably close-knit, most of the time at least. The beach itself isn't too bad, even if the view of Arran sometimes does a bit of heavy lifting.

'Charming streets' is a whole different thing for me. I mean, what makes a street charming?

For me, who maybe lacks a bit of imagination, we just have streets. They are like any other town in the world, you know, with houses, street lights, pavements, roads and all that.

We move on.

"What’s perhaps surprising is that buying a property there to call your own can be very affordable."

I think we have reached the reason this article was written. Not because of Saltcoats itself, but the fact that local property prices are low.

This is about as accurate as it gets, and fair play, you can pick up a right good bargain in Saltcoats and across the Three Towns.

The next few sentences look closely like something that would resemble a Wikipedia description of Saltcoats, with a few adjectives added in for a little bit extra spice - so it doesn't really add much of note.

We are also made aware of the fact that Saltcoats is "actually one of the three towns – including Ardrossan and Stevenston – which are together known as the resort of Three Towns". 

The references to the Three Towns end there. No further context. They just thought they would acknowledge the existence of our pals on either side.

Best of all, for me anyway, is the reference to "the resort of Three Towns". I mean, come on, this is Saltcoats, not Santa Ponsa. You don't get resorts here.

To be honest, I don't even know where the term comes from. We are just three neighbouring towns, and I suppose it's easier than saying all three place names.

It goes on.

"And it’s diddly, with a population of around 11,000 residents, meaning there is always a friendly face to pass in its quaint streets."

I'm sorry. What did you call me? "Diddly?" No bother, Ned Flanders - I think saying it's "smaller than most places in England" would have cut it.

As for "always passing a friendly face" - I suppose we'll just take that compliment, rather than getting too much into it.

"As well as fresh coastal walks around its picturesque harbour and golden, sandy beaches set around Irvine Bay..."

This is just re-wording of some old ground, isn't it. As for 'set around Irvine Bay' - surely that is in, well, Irvine.

The sentence goes on to say "...Saltcoats also offers plenty of cultural highlights".

I agree - though perhaps not in the same sense as I think they were going for.

So what are these cultural highlights you ask?

"There is the annual Saltcoats Music Festival and the Saltcoats Highland Games".

Ah yes, the famous Saltcoats Music Festival, which definitely exists. This is either a nod to the Ardrossan 'Sound on the Sand', which is neither annual nor in Saltcoats, or the Ardrossan Accies Music and Real Ale Festival - which again is in, well, Ardrossan.

Then there is the famous 'Saltcoats Highland Games'. Someone better tell the organisers of the Ardrossan Highland Games that they have competition...

"Popular attractions include the Apollo Cinema, Basebowl Ten Pin Bowling and an array of cafes, restaurants and bars."

At least this is accurate, except the Apollo hasn't actually been called the Apollo for about a decade.

Then we move on to this lovely line.

"Rightrent – an online hub search tool for renters – describes the lovely location on its website."

Sounds like an unbiased place to take a description from. Because why would a website trying to encourage people to rent a property somewhere not give the full picture? 

I won't even bother getting into their description.

Then we end with this: "The tiny Scottish seaside town of Saltcoats has an average property price of £136,000."

That is accurate, but I am not okay with this continuous labelling of us as 'tiny'. I mean, I don't think we are as minuscule and hidden away as this would have you believe.

But hey, this Saltcoats sounds like a cracking place to live. Let me know when you find it, and I'll certainly consider a move there...